A St Regis for expecting mothers – A look inside Britain’s poshest maternity ward that offers gourmet food, fine champagne and more

OK, so I had a rather strenuous pregnancy, being in labour for eight hours before I went under the knife. I would have bitten the ears off someone singing the ‘natural and blissful beauty of child making’ in a 100 m radius. But, half a million pounds to get prepared to be anaesthetized and have your baby in your manicured arms when you wake up, makeup intact and afternoon tea ready or a bottle of the finest champagne at your bedside is … come-on-for-crying –out-loud-ridiculous man! Ok, so Kate Middleton and Victoria Beckham and a list of Middle Eastern royals do it, but that is how they live every single day of their life! The Portland hospital in London has just pushed all realms of motherhood into something obsolete and soulless. The mothers can have their babies cared for in the hospital’s nursery, while they can ‘relax’ in the suites.

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Moms are treated to some really hot haute cuisine like oysters, lobsters, and Dom Perignon. Clearly, they are not breastfeeding mothers. Oh the thought – can almost hear a mum faint with fright. The hospital’s obstetrician is a countess who is known to be too ‘posh to pull’. Apparently after three days you get to leave the hospital fit and fine and ready to face the ‘challenges of being a new mum’. The absurdity in this could give me the strength to tolerate Trump for three whole minutes on screen. Mums like Kate, I can understand. She was radiant and has proven to be a devoted mum who indeed is quite hands on with her little gems. But, there are some other types of mums. Apparently, someone asked a new mother what she would do if she wasn’t rich and could afford all this luxury. She responded in shock and said she would have died straight away. Better in hell than here, really, such women. One can never judge another, but how else can you react to such a comment? This world is going to the bitches, don’t bother pardoning my French.

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